Painting is almost erotic

Aside from drawing anime, I love to paint.  Painting is like. . . an uncensored version of creating for me.  

Drawing, to me, has a process of sketching, lining, then coloring.  Painting is just something that let's me live a little more.  I love it.

Painting makes me feel so free.  Not as structured, but more in control in a messy sense.  Even if things look choppy it still allows me to live in that unorganized sense, with mixes and mixes of color that just make everything fit together so well. 

  Here's the product of last night.

A Cop Out?

So recently I've been having family issues.  

Of course who hasn't.  This particular time it has to do with my career choice.

For people who don't know, I'm an Anime Artist.  I've been one for quite some time (5 going on 6 years).  My family has no issue with my type of art or when I do it.  They've always been supportive of it (for the most part).  The issue now is with the choice I made about 4 months ago.

I decided to do my art full time, not as a hobby but as a career.  I had a period of time when I went to college; I quit that at the end of the first semester.  I had a time when I had a part time job (giving 30+ hours a week); I also quit that.  Each time that I quit those things I had an underlying want for something.  No. . . it was a need for something.  I wanted to pursue my art full time.

It didn't hit me fully until the ending period of my job.  All this time, even through that period in between when I was out of high school and deciding on college, I had wanted this.   Of course there were many family members who weren't for it and some that still aren't.

I understand where they are coming from.  Having a steady income and being able to take care of oneself is very important.  For most people it's their number one on their list of things that are important.  Frankly, it's my number two.  My number one is building my career.  So far it's going good in my eyes.  It's not great for some specific reasons.  Can you guess why?

To keep it simple it's the fraction of my family that doesn't support my decision.  I'm currently living with them and it's pretty agonizing.  I love my family and I try my best to please them.  Some things just aren't do able for me.  

For pretty much a month I spent some time with the other side of my family that I was raised with, this was maybe two months ago.  They saw how dedicated I was to this during that time.  I felt great while I was there working and spending time with them.  I was accomplishing so much.  Sadly, when my time there ended and I had to come back here things were just as I thought they would be.  I feel it may be because I broke a promise but either way I never wanted to make that promise in the first place, I just wanted their support.

I figure, if I had to get their support but making a promise, it wasn't worth it.  So for the last month or so what I've been doing is described as a "cop out".  An easy way out.  Not going out to work everyday or going to college to get a degree is a cop out.  Oh from that perspective it sure does seem like a cop out, I agree.  You might not think so once I tell you the stuff I do.

So, the side of my family that doesn't support me thinks I stay in my room all day on the internet doing "God knows what" and only comes downstairs to eat.  I don't know what they think I do, they may think I play games all day and draw here and there.  They may even think I'm doing exactly what I know I'm doing, but their expression of tone and the way they speak about it says otherwise.

As an independent artist I have to discipline myself to actually get things done.  I lay out my schedule and the things I know I need to do.  I don't just draw, though it is a huge part of what I do.  I draw, study, look for freelance work and opportunities, and network and advertise my work.  You might as well put me in the category of a student who works.  Aside from all this as an artist you have to boost your morale, because goodness knows your mind is the first thing that influences your art.  Lack of support or negative support are definitely not mood boosters. 

I don't feel what I'm doing is a cop out for myself.  I find going and getting a job or going to college for me is a cop out (not for anyone else but for me as an individual).  I don't want to go to a job and do the same thing everyday (which isn't that hard) and get paid for the time I put it.  A pay check like that is great, but I don't find it fulfilling.  Granted, I could always as my employers for new things to do, but I seriously don't want to work for an company where the only reason I'm there is for money.  Now, you could always say "Why don't you go work for a company that involves your field?", I'll get to that in a paragraph.

College also feels like a cop out for me.  Besides the fact that there are ridiculous classes that I don't want to take aside from the classes I do, I'm working for a piece of paper. . . .  I don't want to flash a paper around and get ahead,  that's not my forte.  Having that piece of paper doesn't guarantee you'll get a job or won't get a job, but what's the point?  Besides it saying that this person spent their time dedicated to this for such and such amount of years; I feel that it's a waste of time for me.  Especially if I can learn in different ways besides just sitting in a classroom.  I mean, yes, other things happen at college and there are a lot of opportunities but it feels handed to me.  It comes with the curriculum you paid for.  Why can't I just learn on my own?  As a society we've all come to the point to where if you don't have a degree you don't have anything, that feels so wrong to me.  Once again, this isn't the case for everyone, but for me it is.

As for working in a company that involves my line of work let me tell you how I feel about that.  Starting at the bottom of a company and working your way up isn't a bad thing.  To me it feels sly.  Why does it feel sly?  It reminds me of something slinking its way into someplace it doesn't belong.  I don't operate like that.  Working for another company doing things they want me to do doesn't feel ideal for me.  I can do it, but that doesn't mean I want to.  I'm a very selfish artist.  I like to express my own ideas freely.  One could just as easily ask "How do you freelance then?  It involves making someone else's idea come to life not your own."  It feels more free to say the least.  I want to bring people's idea's to life.  With freelancing you also get your hand at choosing your clients.  Whether or not they choose you is the next step.

To make it simple, I want to work for myself.  I'm not saying I want to work alone.  I want to create things for people, and things with people on an equal level.  Nothing more nothing less.  I feel I can put my education in my own hands without burdening others, and I can grow as an artist from everything I do.  Whether I'm meeting people who inspire me or studying different things in my everyday life.  I'm not afraid to do something unconventional, work hard, and succeed.  I want my life to be filled with feeling fulfilled.

My goal with this was to explain why what I do isn't a cop out.  Whether or not I did that is up to who ever reads this.  At the least I hope there are some who now understand my reasoning for deciding what I decided upon.

Perspective practice

Perspective is so fun to mess with!  I've been studying perspective and architectural study a bit more lately.  So I decided to do a rough sketch during a livestream.  I added some reflective lines on the sidewalk and the (very small) road to show that the ground is wet.  It had previously rained in the picture.  The character is my main character for my (WIP) manga Veggie.  She's in rain boots and carrying something.  

I might possibly make this picture into a fully done illustration but I'm not sure yet.  I actually like how it looks (sketchy).  My style is becoming more to my liking.  It's becoming way easier to draw and I'm getting a lot faster, because I've been practicing a lot.  

When you feel this way it's so peaceful.  To feel "one" with your art.  I hope I'll be able to portray my exact feelings and concepts through my art this way.